The inconvenience of convenience.

Taking the tram to work is the most convenient mode of transport for me, in terms of speed, traffic and parking fee avoidance. However, it is also a reminder that we humans for all our advancements are mere animals who forget all our usual boundaries concerning of personal space and decorum when it comes to everyday activities such as getting to work.   

Having just had someone jab me in the back with their ridiculously oversized handbag, I toss my head in despair and think no she didn’t roll my eyes and give her my best death stare and ask “Really?” She backs off the most she can -  about 1 mm – and keeps glancing at me nervously for the entire 10 minutes we must share atoms. I am standing beneath a fellow sweaty passenger’s armpit and read another’s WhatsApp message as she pretends not to hear the impatient request from commuters hoping to get on the already packed tram, I let out a sigh and ask the universe why it is punishing me so. Seriously people won’t look you in the eye or even say hi before brushing up against you, making you smell them and accidentally on purpose sharing their oh so glam social media pics and engaging in rather personal conversations quite loudly e.g “…my man’s just been sent down and I don’t know what I’m going to do about the rent.” As amused as I am by other people’s lives I would rather be at home reading a book or thinking up ways in which I can heal the world and I can’t help thinking how inconvenient life’s conveniences are.

Take for example convenience food which Uncle Wikipedia tells me is “commercially prepared (often through processing) to optimise ease of consumption…. Including ready-to-eat dry products, frozen foods such as TV dinners, shelf-stable foods, prepared mixes such as cake mix, and snack foods.” Thanks to our dear brothers’ industrialisation, technology and capitalism convenience foods are thriving, but what are they doing to us? Slowly killing us that’s what and taking the joy and challenge out of providing sustenance for oneself both of which are fundamentals, in my humble opinion, to our stability. Imagine explaining to a caveman that rather than preparing tools for his hunt developing crucial skills in the process while satisfying the human need to be useful and getting all pumped up with his boys for their adventure ahead filled with social interactions and stories to keep the young’uns entertained for generations he could simply pop over to the shops buy some sugar filled synthetic yumminess that will fill him up for a bit, damage his health but leave him plenty of time to sit about indulging in idle gossip and other pointless activities. I am sure he would worry for our sanity.  I’ll admit I often consume and condone consumption of convenience foods for convenience although I know I am definitely inconveniencing my body and health. Why can I not just stop the madness?

On a personal heart and growth level I have conveniently stopped blogging and creating because I was too busy being inconvenienced by life which has severely inconvenienced my soul. I started off saying that I would get back to writing in a week, I was just taking a break to get used to my new schedule but the longer I stayed away from it the more I filled my life with less soul satisfying things like worry, guilt, Netflix and random staring into space, but something was always missing, and I knew what it was it just took a little while for me to admit it to myself. As a person who likes to analyse and learn lessons and move on (no matter how long it takes) I have accepted the lesson here which is life is about balance, it’s about change, adaptability and finding out what matters to you and what needs are being met. While I loathe the tram at rush hour I have learned to endure it and be thankful for it as I means I get to the place that provides me with my monthly pay. To amuse myself more than anything, now I smile at people and say hi some smile back others back away and give me space, either way I am winning! As for food I am taking baby steps to reduce convenience to find the balance that works for my constitution.

There will always be good versus evil, yin and yang, bitter and the sweet, deficit and surplus. It’s about balance.

Happy balancing x

If you need help balancing I am offering free coaching sessions this month to the first 3 people to reach out,

smilelifemgt@gmail.com

Age ain't nothing but a number.

Aaliyah was a wise one!

Sitting in my office I looked around and found myself swimming in a sea of youth. The more I thought about the age difference the less confident I became in my ability to swim and thus headed for the edge of the pool wondering if I should clamber out of the pool or silently sink to the bottom and give up. I began to feel old-ish and question what I had let myself in for when the wise words of a songstress who kept me dancing throughout the 90s and early noughties came to mind “Age ain’t nothing but a number”. After playing the song in my mind for a few minutes, mentally bobbing my head, I made the decision to pick up some arm bands swim back boldly into the midst of the pool, get to know my colleagues and the organisation I will be with for 3 months, learn something new and join the young’uns in this exciting adventure of finding our wings and soaring whilst making a difference in our community and getting paid for the privilege. Once I turned my fear and insecurity into positivity and gratitude everything began to make sense and I was happily back on the road to my goal to improve myself so that I can provide for my family and affect positive change in the lives of others.

Based on the lives of those who have been through this journey of life before us and the opinions of those who, deservedly or undeservedly, have influencing platforms general benchmarks of when we should have achieved job security, financial stability, wedded bliss, spiritual balance, mental clarity, maturity, self-actualization etc are set in our minds. As I make my way through life I am understanding that there is no set order in the way of things. Our paths are as unique as our fingerprints and this is where the beauty lies. While there is a wealth of knowledge to be gained from those who have gone before, the unknown, the new, the path less travelled have lessons aplenty that can flourish in ways that you never expected. I am learning new things daily working in this young hip office, adding to my qualifications and experience, I am able to share the knowledge that I have and it is a great networking opportunity for my life coaching business. It’s also helping me step out of a box that I did not fully realise I was operating within.

We can have as many plans as we want in life of how we want our lives to go and it is good to plan so that we can direct our efforts accordingly but life has a way of throwing bumps and deviations on our paths, not so much to halt us as to help us grow in the way that we need to. Trusting God’s plan/ the process/the Universe’s leading and being open to growth and change all while being grateful helps us realise that things are as they are meant to be, we have the power to change any situation we find ourselves in and it all begins with thoughts. Our thoughts create our realities. I should also mention that the way in which I came to be in this job is a little miracle which lets me know that it is truly meant for me.

Another great Aaliyah lyric - if at first, you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again. If you are reading this I can confirm that you are alive, therefore you can do and be whatever you want to be, all you have to do is try, life will make a way for you if you stay consistent in your efforts with contentment and gratitude in your heart.

If there is anything you think you cannot do because of your age, size, race, gender, economic status I challenge you to join me in proving yourself wrong until all your limiting beliefs are proved null and void.

I love MCR!

What happens when you can’t simply turn off the TV and choose to ignore all the bad news. It’s easier to distance yourself when you believe something does not directly affect you, but you come to learn that everything and everyone is connected. This week my home city got a taste of the daily struggle of people in conflict zones across the globe.  I don’t have the option of simply disengaging because terror came knocking on our door. My adopted city, Manchester, is an amazing place to live I have been leaving Manchester since I was about 6 but it keeps pulling me back, I’ve never fully understood the attraction until this week. The people are a diverse bunch, the overwhelming majority of whom are warm and friendly, the city is full of life with events and attractions all year round for all to enjoy, Manchester Arena is one of them.

I have been to concerts at the Arena, taken my kids there, walked passed there on many occasions never have I had a reason to feel unsafe. For a couple of days, that feeling changed and I began to think about whether going into town was ever going to be an option again. Thankfully the spirit of Manchester has helped me realise that with love and hope we can move forward and towards eliminating hurtful hate and actions. Loving and finding acceptance through pain is a tough thing to do but with time and the right people around it does happen. I can’t even begin to imagine what the families of those who lost their lives and those who were injured are going through but with the wonderful compassionate response from around the world and from the local community, things are made just that little bit easier.

What doesn’t break you makes you stronger and Manchester is definitely not broken, I sincerely hope terrorists are noting that their actions serve no other purpose than to bring the rest of the world closer together. Do they not realise that all their efforts are in vain? For centuries terrorists have been losing, they have been causing disruption, hurting the innocent and spending their lives hidden in the shadows only to be thwarted and meet miserable ends themselves. The positivity of unity, empathy and solidarity will always win over negative divisive behaviour, yet repeatedly new threats arise signifying an imperfect system. While we are good at rooting out evil we need to get better at stamping out the seeds of evil which include inequality, injustice, ignorance, and isolation. I've just realised all the seeds I have identified begin with 'I', the message that sends to me is selfishness or the interests of the individual or few breeds hate. 7.5 billion of us share this tiny planet, if we were meant to live isolated disconnected lives surely we would all have our own planets or at least Islands, but that was not God's plan. He created us all equal and gave us each other with our individual strengths and weaknesses so that we could work and live happily together as one and thrive. 

I encourage you to do as much as you can in your homes and communities to stamp out the seeds of evil. Change begins with the individual and quickly spreads, as it should, making positive change viral should be a global goal.

The joy of the unknown.

We should all try new things to get things or experiences we have never had but more importantly to dispel myths that we tend to create for the world. By trying new things, we surprise and inform ourselves opening ourselves up to the abundance this universe has on offer.

I am writing a book. It’s an idea I have been playing with for years. I have started and stopped so many times, the minute I tell someone about it I am filled with fear to the point of paralysis.  I have lost so many edits because I just did not think them good enough. Any time I sit down to work on it I search for things that I have written before and upon reading them I think well that’s rubbish and then just move on doing something else. Being a seeker of the meaning of life and knowing that it begins with knowing thyself I believe that it is that which we fear most that we must do. In seeking the answers to life and getting to know yourself you come to understand that there is no end to this journey so while you may take some time off to do this, the work is never over. The challenge is in taking action as we learn, the most successful and fulfilled people in life are those who are not afraid to fail, those who take calculated risk and keep trying. When I say success, I do not mean financial success although that is what most people count as success, myself included.

Chasing a high salary has never been for me but I used to believe that this meant something was wrong with me, so I would look at those who I believed were happy because of all the money they were making but without understanding their struggle, motivation, and sacrifice. All this came to was me beating myself up for nothing, time wasting. I wish I could say that I am not motivated by money but I am in as much as it keeps a roof over my head and puts food in my belly and a little bit more to enable me to do things that bring happiness to me and those I hold dear. Which is the real reason why I could never fully commit to writing. It does not put money in my pocket. One day I had the crazy idea to change the way I looked at it, rather than being a vehicle that literally fed the body, writing became a fuel for the soul and mind. First with letter writing and journaling, then blogging and now actively working on my book and having my mind opened to other writing opportunities in this big glorious universe. All we need in this life is opportunity which we must seek for they rarely come calling. With this in mind and with my 40^th birthday looming I have decided to make a Forty before 40 list to broaden my experiences and network and give me more to write, talk and laugh about. I will share some (maybe all depending on where my mind takes me) of the list soon and invite anyone to do the same and share as well.  

When I sat at my desk this morning I had no idea what to write about but I showed up and created something it all began with intention, get your intentions right and the rest will come. Trust the process.

This woman is not an island.

A gentle reminder from my 1996 self, Keep reaching,

I am not superwoman. And that's ok.

Occasionally I find myself believing that I am the all seeing all knowing eye, no one can tell me anything, I just know things because I have a beautiful mind like that. Life in its wonderful glory has a way of subtly reminding me (and, more often than I care to admit, slapping me in the face) that I know very little and as such should take a seat, notes and approach certain situations humbly, assuming a position of ignorance to make sure I am open to learning something new.

I am always going on about how organised I am and how sharp my memory is, this week has shown me that I am not and that needs to change. I have disappointed my son three times this week because I didn’t pay attention. I can’t tell you how many emails/tweets/texts I get from the kid’s schools that go unread or skim read which sometimes is just the subject of the email, as the boys attend different schools it's double the fun for me, I am normally on top of it but this week has been rough, I have had a lot going on and my mind has just been all over the place.

I dropped Jamal off at school on Friday and just as I was about to pop my earphones in and do the freedom shuffle I hear feet running towards me and turn to seem him looking distressed and he says, “it’s non-uniform day!” It was too late to go back home and get changed so I had to persuade him to tough the day out, when we got to school I had a word with his teacher who said she would find him a top and he could wear his P.E. shorts this appeased his Gods, she did, however, mention that an email had been sent which I was convinced I never got, checking my phone later proved that I was in fact in the wrong and the message was read, Ooops!

The silent African in me thinks this is character building for the child, he will be resilient, unafraid to stand out in the crowd. Just as I had to find the inner strength to deal with awkward situations as a child so would he. I remember waiting to be picked up at school in Zambia when a clapped-out University Teaching Hospital ambulance pulled up. I doubled over in laughter pointed at it and proclaimed very loudly that someone must have been very ill to have to go home in that. Over my laughter, I heard the driver call out my name. M-O-R-T-I-F-I-E-D, silenced, first of many lessons in humility, but I’m sure I came back to school as cool as a cucumber the next day.  

The mother in me was sick with the shame of letting her child down, his main fear on both days was that his schoolmates would laugh at him and no one wants that, this part of me remembers wondering whose side her parents were really on. It hadn’t even been a week since I had sent Jamal to school in the wrong uniform for school pictures because I just knew I was right. I swore I would do better… then comes today. Spring fair. I was sure it began at 2 pm, we get there and the street seems rather quiet, but we keep going, we get to the hall and its empty but my ego still didn’t want to believe I had messed up yet again but I had. Pockets full of change to spend on goodies the kids were crestfallen for a few minutes but as soon as I mentioned spending the afternoon in the park and cake they were fine. I was not.  I checked my emails again in the park and the same email that had information about non-uniform day stated the spring fair start time. 12 pm. I had missed vital information twice.

Events had been trying to tell me to plan and do better and I hate to admit it but so had my other half who is always on at me to clarify information, write things down and tell him what he can do to help. But in my know it all manner I have thought, who ever sees wonder/superwoman with a notepad google calendar? Note to self: superwoman is a fictional character but even she has side-kicks and learns on the job.

Know that you know what you know, but understand that you have a lot to learn.

Big up a friend.

This morning I crossed paths with a friend doing the school run as I do almost every day. After we were done we continued to chat as we headed in the general directions of our homes we were deep in conversation so we decided to take the long way home and eventually ended up in a café because I really needed an ear. First of all I just want to say thank you to Preye (check out her amazing talent  on instagram @cakesbypreye) for being such an amazing friend and woman, she doesn’t get much time to herself but what she does have she was willing to spend listening to me and my ramblings. Secondly, not only does she listen but she tells me the truth of what she is hearing from me and she reminds me that I ought to start practising what I preach. I think so much about what I should be doing and I plan what I want to do so much that I convince myself that I am actually doing these things but I am clearly not. 

It’s easy for us to believe that we are the only ones ‘going through it,’ sharing helps because you have the benefit of gaining a different perspective and maybe even realising that its really not a problem it’s just life. No one has answers to everything you just have to work things out as you go along, but we must choose to be happy as we journey along. One great outcome of our conversation was realising how much we as individuals and a collective have to offer in providing the community and experiences that we want for our kids, which has perhaps birthed a new project for us that fills me with excitement, hope and nerves, all of which are signs that I am alive and therefore winning. With the only certainty in life being death we really should reach for the stars and welcome new experiences people and opportunities.

Focussing on what you don’t want or what is not going so well will only bring you more of that thing. I have never thought of myself as a 9 – 5 worker as I am just not the conventional office type but because that was all I ever thought about as regards work, so that is all I had ever done. Now that I am accepting who and where I am, I am beginning to create opportunities for myself that allow me to work more creatively and flexibly, Preye inspires me in this as she stepped out in her truth with faith and natural talent to create a business for herself that is flexible and brings happiness to herself and others.

 Focus on who you are to become who you are meant to be. 

Make time to make time.

Getting my priorities right has always been hit or miss. I have never been very big on order and for a long time this worked for me, I managed to get things done and convinced myself that I was better at doing things last minute as this somehow produced the best results for me. I was operating from a place of limited knowledge as I had never given planning and its associated benefits such as having extra time left to perfect projects a chance. As responsibilities in life increase so too does the need to organise, staying on top of bills, work, assignments, keeping relationships going and looking right all require planning. The most important resource, time, being unreplenishable is the most precious resource of them all so use it thoughtfully.

When my first child was born, I was so stuck on getting everything right for him and being his only source of everything which led to my chaotic world becoming even more chaotic.  I had a team of helpers that were for a while redundant because of my stubbornness. One afternoon as I wandered into the living room still in my pyjamas, hungry, exhausted and on the verge of tears, my mother offered me breakfast, but I declined as baby comes first and I was sure he needed another feed. My darling sweet as pie mother replied, ‘how are you going to feed the child when you are dead?’ Extreme but fair. Normally this would have sparked an argument but I could only muster a shadow of a smile, defeated chuckle and accept the food. As I ate the baby lay happily in grandma’s arms, the two of them were so lost in their bonding session that I was able to sneak away get clean and put myself together, and learn the lesson that prioritising my basic needs was necessary for me to be there for the little person I had brought into this world. In taking care of me I was also allowing someone else to help and develop a relationship, bonus and I woke up to the fact that mum was not going to be around forever so something needed to change.

Bringing a child up away from extended family is tough, being from an African family where normally the village that is needed to raise the child is readily available, be they hired or not, adopting a routine for mother and child did not come naturally but it came because it had to. When prioritising it may be necessary to delegate and assign tasks to others where possible and that is ok it does not take anything away from you. Sometimes we want to do everything to prove how strong or capable we are, there is strength in admitting weaknesses and the need for support. I appreciate that there are circumstances in which we are truly alone in this regard I would say do what’s most important first but remember what’s most important may not be what you think is most urgent. Identifying what is important to us and acknowledging that matters of importance are as unique as we are starts with considering your values and beliefs. Rather than being constraining mapping or planning (and writing it out) our life’s and goals frees not only mentally but it creates more time and space for other things too.  Once you have a plan commit to it, but make changes as needed no process starts off perfect. Committing to a process brings with it focus and improved quality when you know you have a limited amount of time to do something you make the best of it.

A perfectly timed one-liner from someone who cared changed an aspect of my life for the better, imagine what a quick call to check in and let someone know you care can do for their life, all it takes is making the time. 

Chinese Whispers.

 “If your lips would keep from slips,

Five things observe with care;

To whom you speak, of whom you speak

And how, and when, and where.” – William Edward Norris

The game Chinese Whispers teaches us an important lesson. For anyone who has not had the pleasure of playing this game: a group of people stands in a line or circle, the first person whispers a message into the second’s ear and so on to the last person who then delivers the message aloud to the group. 99.999% of the time the message that comes back is totally different to the original one, a perfect example of the waste of time gossip is and to illustrate the purpose of seeking truth in everything. I used to be a fan of gossip, I’ll hold my hands up, I’m not proud of it, I never gave it much thought I don’t think any of us really do we just get caught up in it. What we can do is choose whether we are going to pass on this information and to whom and to what end or stop the fake news in its tracks. My personal view is if we are not bothered enough to seek the truth then really what we heard need go no further and we must question why we are filling our time and minds with such useless information when we could be getting on with more important tasks like minding our own business and fixing our lives. That said I’ve realised I play Chinese whispers with myself and that can be the most damaging gossip we can ever hear.

We hear what we want to hear and this is normally dictated by what we are feeling, suppressing, or fear. Many moons ago a helpful person told me that it was so much fun to hang out with me because “you are so much fun when you’ve had a few.” …I heard, “the only time you are worth being around is when you are in party mode.” Not wanting to be out of favour I obliged and partied hard even when I didn’t really want to and even long after I lost touch with her. I don’t blame her one bit for my partying habits, she couldn’t have known what was going on in my insecure mind but that stayed with me for years even after the parties were over because in my mind I just was not interesting enough. Taking care of ourselves includes auditing and processing messages we receive, thoughtfully. But be careful not to overthink, just listen to what you are saying to yourself and turn on your truth-o-meter. As we hear what we WANT, changing what we want can also have an immediate effect on what we hear. With my truth-o-meter in check, I came to know that the truth about fun is that it is safe, non-toxic, and free and sure enough out clubbing one night a more helpful person said to me, “I’m so jealous, to dance and have fun like that I need at least three drinks!” Transcendence achieved and still being perfected, it was a long process with relapses but I see those for what they were, lessons pushing me towards what truth told me I not only wanted but needed as well.

While we can’t take responsibility for the way messages we send out are received by others we have a duty of care to humanity to watch what we say about and to others. We talk about people we know little to nothing about to make us feel better about ourselves, to detract from our own shambolic lives and maybe to feel like we are part of a group. Often the more negative and inaccurate the messages we pass on about and to others the more mess we are refusing to deal with. You fix nothing, least of all yourself, by being so concerned about another person’s life, while you’re so busy talking about them they are probably busy getting things done achieving goals and living life in the meantime your dirty laundry bin runneth over. As a parent and former child, I have experienced the power of words in their ability to empower, deflate, encourage, influence, and confuse. Kids can bounce back and move on from many things but there comes a time when words stick. If they repeatedly hear ugly words they will have ugly thoughts about themselves and the world and may carry this through to adulthood. I endeavour to build my kids up with the appropriate truth and words so that they have strong foundations, it’s a tricky game this thing called life but if we simply learn our lessons and enact the good we’re one step closer to a life less misunderstood.

Speak life and truth to all you encounter, beginning with you.

The one I was waiting for was me.

For as long as I can remember I have been looking for someone to make things right for me. To open doors, hold my hand, tell me I was loved, tell me what to do and how to be fulfilled. Life provided some people to fulfil what I thought I wanted, I can attest to the fact that you do find what it is you are looking for, but I never felt quite complete and would keep searching without adapting my search technique. I was truly the mad woman who did the same thing expecting different outcomes, as I look back on my life I see repeat behaviours and experiences that sometimes brought me back full circle, knocked me back but thankfully not out. Life has been kind enough to allow me my mistakes, and there have been many, until I learned (I continue to learn) the lessons I need to be my best self. When you look to someone else to complete you what we normally don’t consider is that they too are looking for something, while you are looking for someone to take care of you and protect you from the world they may be looking for someone to control or may need protecting as well.  As I am the only one who knows what I really need to feel complete it follows that I should complete me and anyone else coming to the table is to add value, a different dynamic and for expansion purposes.

Comfort zones are very comfortable. My comfort zone was created to protect me from potential disappointment which has its roots in comparison, my go to reasoning is I will never be as talented/rich/slim as whoever so why even try. Instead of comparing myself to people it has been more helpful to understand that everyone has their own journey and talents, by appreciating traits and habits of people we admire we can change our lives. In a comfort zone, you know what to expect and know what you need to do to stay safe but I believe we are designed to want more out of life and at some point, we always want more or something different be it from work or play.  Fighting to stay in a comfort zone can become so uncomfortable we are forced out, we can be bolder and kinder to ourselves and not fight just step out into perceived danger zones which are thrilling and teach us much more keeping us growing. Comfort zones are identifiers of the limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves, mine was chaotic and dramatic, I believed that was just who I was and I didn’t deserve any peace and even in seeking peace by withdrawing, drama followed because I held on to the limiting belief of myself as chaotic. The minute I allowed myself to live drama free by changing my perspective and becoming more organised and purposeful things became calmer, simpler, and more focused.

I used to think wanting more and not being satisfied with what I had made me an ungrateful and covetous green-eyed monster.  Not wanting to be a monster I remained in a comfort zone with an unhealthy relationship with a lot of things in my life most significantly people, money, and myself this did not, however, stop me from wanting more and hating myself for not being able to lay my hands on more although I never gave much thought to what exactly what I wanted.  Understanding that in order to enjoy life more we have to be satisfied with and thankful for what we have did not come easily and it began with being accepting of the fact that I not only wanted more out of life but was deserving of more, I had to give thought to what it is I want out of life and why. I am grateful for all the people in my life and I am no longer in silent competition with anyone, the only person I compete with is me. I am being more open and honest in my relationship with money which I now see as an abundantly accessible tool for good.

Life is much more fun when you show up to your own party and are the best dance partner for you. When you are ready allow others to dance along with you.

Breathe … It’s life.

Pausing for a minute, an hour, a week or even a year is something we do less and less in this microwave one-click culture we have created. We want everything now and are led to believe if we don’t have it or can’t get it now we are somehow inferior or less deserving of success and all the good stuff. I know time waits for no man and truly these days you blink and there’s a new iPhone out but we can get so busy trying to keep up we lose focus of what really matters to us and makes a difference to the way we experience life. On the flipside, there is the rebirth of the Nokia 3310 symbolising a return to slowing down and simplifying of life to me. I remember a time when there were no mobile phones and therefore we were uncontactable for the majority of the day sometimes even days if we were relying on the post. Life didn’t stop, there was no FOMO, you simply were where you were and got to hear great stories about events you were unable to attend.

I used to love receiving and writing letters the waiting gave me something to look forward to and the writing helped me process events whilst practising an actual skill. Now the only letters I receive are bills and emails are nothing to look forward to. With all the advances in technology and communication devices we are losing some basic language skills like spelling and talking, I know I used an acronym before, I too am occasionally a culprit. Messaging or IM or whatever the kids are calling it has killed conversation, I would love to sit down and have long phone or one on one conversations with people but there is just not enough time in the day, what it is I am busy doing I could not tell you. There is so much pointless distraction out here.

Browsing through magazines in a shop the other day I read an article warning about the danger of rapid weight loss and fad diets and how they speed up the ageing process. As a “passive diet addict” (I plan diets that I will attempt sometime in the future to unleash my inner size 8 who has never and possibly never will be seen) this was reason enough for me to journey towards getting happy with myself as I am and focus on health and increased enjoyable physical activity. The magazine had pictures of celebrities who have achieved and some over-achieved their weight loss goals and added years to their looks in the process. I am not a medical professional but to me that signifies that something isn’t quite right. Slow and steady wins the race, I want to stay looking as young as I can for as long as possible, although my grey hairs are telling on me lately.

I sometimes catch myself holding my breath and need to remind myself to breathe. It’s normally when I am over thinking, worrying, stressed or anxious about something. The fact that I am thinking so much that I am cutting off the one thing I cannot live without tells me that I need to pause and simply just breathe.  What good does thinking or worrying actually do? As someone who suffers from anxiety, I can tell you it does no good at all, this does not mean that knowing this I don’t worry it just means I acknowledge my worries and move forward the best I can asking for help if needed.

We have a lot to gain from slowing down. Call someone or invite them over for a drink. Tell a story,  breathe.

I’m a chameleon.

Where are you from? This is one of few questions that make me pause and conduct a quick assessment of the person asking to ascertain the best answer. While it shouldn’t matter where a person is from its evokes so many emotions in me it’s hard to describe, yet I constantly find myself asking the same question to try and figure a person out. Double standards are real and I would argue almost impossible to avoid, in certain situations.

I was born in Zambia but from a few months old I have moved countries, towns, schools, and jobs. Along the way, I have picked up different habits, personalities, accents, prejudices, and experiences. Apart from the one distinctive thing I cannot (and have never wanted to) change, my skin colour, I got so good at blending in people believed I was “one of them,” sadly when some found out I wasn’t I was treated differently. My blending in was something I did because I did not want to be different, thinking that my differences may make me somehow inferior or irrelevant, later in life I realised how wonderful it is to be different. Being different though does not mean that I don’t adapt according to the situation, my mum always tells me how amused she is that when I talk to her I am not quite as British-sounding as when I am talking to my siblings and some friends, she should hear me in a work situation or an interview! Variety and fluidity of identity and proud ownership of our differences give us the permission to just be. The minute you stop fighting the cards that you have been dealt in life and play with them amazing things happen.

I don’t speak my mother tongue fluently, not being brought up around extended family or other speakers made it difficult to learn. I could take the easy route and blame my parents for my inability to pick up the language but at this stage of my life I know better, it has been up to me for a long time to learn. Thankfully, my kids went to school in Zambia for a year where it has now become compulsory to study Chinyanja, their homework even used to challenge grandpa and grandma, but they enjoyed sharing with them and they can at least now exchange pleasantries in the language. Due to my chameleon ways, I do understand a few languages which is a bonus and I love sitting in a room with people who assume I don’t understand what they are talking about. The fact that I can’t pass my language on to my kids makes me sad and I encourage my husband to teach them his, Yoruba, and even tried to learn myself but have you ever tried to learn Yoruba from a book?? It’s not easy o. But knowing the discomfort it has caused me in my life I know I must try my best to help them learn the language. Learning a language gives you a better appreciation of the culture and yourself if you happen to come from that culture, everyone has something to gain from learning about different cultures. One thing missing in the world today is an understanding of differences, our differences unite us so it would do us good to expand our knowledge and stamp out hateful ignorance. There are some things that you can’t understand the true meaning of unless you speak the language such as the Yoruba proverbs my husband uses to encourage, reprimand or caution that leave me and the kids looking at each other like “Is he Ok?” 

A chameleon, whilst being unique in its ability to adapt will always be a chameleon, it may change its outward appearance but inside remains the same. As you grow you stop caring so much about why you are the way you are and just allow it to be if it’s not hurting anyone if it is trust that you have the power and wisdom to change it.

Be bold, be beautiful, be you.