Big up a friend.

This morning I crossed paths with a friend doing the school run as I do almost every day. After we were done we continued to chat as we headed in the general directions of our homes we were deep in conversation so we decided to take the long way home and eventually ended up in a café because I really needed an ear. First of all I just want to say thank you to Preye (check out her amazing talent  on instagram @cakesbypreye) for being such an amazing friend and woman, she doesn’t get much time to herself but what she does have she was willing to spend listening to me and my ramblings. Secondly, not only does she listen but she tells me the truth of what she is hearing from me and she reminds me that I ought to start practising what I preach. I think so much about what I should be doing and I plan what I want to do so much that I convince myself that I am actually doing these things but I am clearly not. 

It’s easy for us to believe that we are the only ones ‘going through it,’ sharing helps because you have the benefit of gaining a different perspective and maybe even realising that its really not a problem it’s just life. No one has answers to everything you just have to work things out as you go along, but we must choose to be happy as we journey along. One great outcome of our conversation was realising how much we as individuals and a collective have to offer in providing the community and experiences that we want for our kids, which has perhaps birthed a new project for us that fills me with excitement, hope and nerves, all of which are signs that I am alive and therefore winning. With the only certainty in life being death we really should reach for the stars and welcome new experiences people and opportunities.

Focussing on what you don’t want or what is not going so well will only bring you more of that thing. I have never thought of myself as a 9 – 5 worker as I am just not the conventional office type but because that was all I ever thought about as regards work, so that is all I had ever done. Now that I am accepting who and where I am, I am beginning to create opportunities for myself that allow me to work more creatively and flexibly, Preye inspires me in this as she stepped out in her truth with faith and natural talent to create a business for herself that is flexible and brings happiness to herself and others.

 Focus on who you are to become who you are meant to be. 

Make time to make time.

Getting my priorities right has always been hit or miss. I have never been very big on order and for a long time this worked for me, I managed to get things done and convinced myself that I was better at doing things last minute as this somehow produced the best results for me. I was operating from a place of limited knowledge as I had never given planning and its associated benefits such as having extra time left to perfect projects a chance. As responsibilities in life increase so too does the need to organise, staying on top of bills, work, assignments, keeping relationships going and looking right all require planning. The most important resource, time, being unreplenishable is the most precious resource of them all so use it thoughtfully.

When my first child was born, I was so stuck on getting everything right for him and being his only source of everything which led to my chaotic world becoming even more chaotic.  I had a team of helpers that were for a while redundant because of my stubbornness. One afternoon as I wandered into the living room still in my pyjamas, hungry, exhausted and on the verge of tears, my mother offered me breakfast, but I declined as baby comes first and I was sure he needed another feed. My darling sweet as pie mother replied, ‘how are you going to feed the child when you are dead?’ Extreme but fair. Normally this would have sparked an argument but I could only muster a shadow of a smile, defeated chuckle and accept the food. As I ate the baby lay happily in grandma’s arms, the two of them were so lost in their bonding session that I was able to sneak away get clean and put myself together, and learn the lesson that prioritising my basic needs was necessary for me to be there for the little person I had brought into this world. In taking care of me I was also allowing someone else to help and develop a relationship, bonus and I woke up to the fact that mum was not going to be around forever so something needed to change.

Bringing a child up away from extended family is tough, being from an African family where normally the village that is needed to raise the child is readily available, be they hired or not, adopting a routine for mother and child did not come naturally but it came because it had to. When prioritising it may be necessary to delegate and assign tasks to others where possible and that is ok it does not take anything away from you. Sometimes we want to do everything to prove how strong or capable we are, there is strength in admitting weaknesses and the need for support. I appreciate that there are circumstances in which we are truly alone in this regard I would say do what’s most important first but remember what’s most important may not be what you think is most urgent. Identifying what is important to us and acknowledging that matters of importance are as unique as we are starts with considering your values and beliefs. Rather than being constraining mapping or planning (and writing it out) our life’s and goals frees not only mentally but it creates more time and space for other things too.  Once you have a plan commit to it, but make changes as needed no process starts off perfect. Committing to a process brings with it focus and improved quality when you know you have a limited amount of time to do something you make the best of it.

A perfectly timed one-liner from someone who cared changed an aspect of my life for the better, imagine what a quick call to check in and let someone know you care can do for their life, all it takes is making the time. 

The one I was waiting for was me.

For as long as I can remember I have been looking for someone to make things right for me. To open doors, hold my hand, tell me I was loved, tell me what to do and how to be fulfilled. Life provided some people to fulfil what I thought I wanted, I can attest to the fact that you do find what it is you are looking for, but I never felt quite complete and would keep searching without adapting my search technique. I was truly the mad woman who did the same thing expecting different outcomes, as I look back on my life I see repeat behaviours and experiences that sometimes brought me back full circle, knocked me back but thankfully not out. Life has been kind enough to allow me my mistakes, and there have been many, until I learned (I continue to learn) the lessons I need to be my best self. When you look to someone else to complete you what we normally don’t consider is that they too are looking for something, while you are looking for someone to take care of you and protect you from the world they may be looking for someone to control or may need protecting as well.  As I am the only one who knows what I really need to feel complete it follows that I should complete me and anyone else coming to the table is to add value, a different dynamic and for expansion purposes.

Comfort zones are very comfortable. My comfort zone was created to protect me from potential disappointment which has its roots in comparison, my go to reasoning is I will never be as talented/rich/slim as whoever so why even try. Instead of comparing myself to people it has been more helpful to understand that everyone has their own journey and talents, by appreciating traits and habits of people we admire we can change our lives. In a comfort zone, you know what to expect and know what you need to do to stay safe but I believe we are designed to want more out of life and at some point, we always want more or something different be it from work or play.  Fighting to stay in a comfort zone can become so uncomfortable we are forced out, we can be bolder and kinder to ourselves and not fight just step out into perceived danger zones which are thrilling and teach us much more keeping us growing. Comfort zones are identifiers of the limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves, mine was chaotic and dramatic, I believed that was just who I was and I didn’t deserve any peace and even in seeking peace by withdrawing, drama followed because I held on to the limiting belief of myself as chaotic. The minute I allowed myself to live drama free by changing my perspective and becoming more organised and purposeful things became calmer, simpler, and more focused.

I used to think wanting more and not being satisfied with what I had made me an ungrateful and covetous green-eyed monster.  Not wanting to be a monster I remained in a comfort zone with an unhealthy relationship with a lot of things in my life most significantly people, money, and myself this did not, however, stop me from wanting more and hating myself for not being able to lay my hands on more although I never gave much thought to what exactly what I wanted.  Understanding that in order to enjoy life more we have to be satisfied with and thankful for what we have did not come easily and it began with being accepting of the fact that I not only wanted more out of life but was deserving of more, I had to give thought to what it is I want out of life and why. I am grateful for all the people in my life and I am no longer in silent competition with anyone, the only person I compete with is me. I am being more open and honest in my relationship with money which I now see as an abundantly accessible tool for good.

Life is much more fun when you show up to your own party and are the best dance partner for you. When you are ready allow others to dance along with you.

Dance like no one is watching.

Dance like no one is watching…

But beware, someone always is.

Life is full of idiosyncrasies. We are told to dance/live like no one is watching but someone almost always is especially in this big brother age not to mention the big guy in the sky.

Walking down the street one day I lost myself to the music, which is not very unusual for me as music makes me lose control, always has and hopefully always will. I was so lost in the music I didn’t realise the dancing that was going on was not in my head until I heard cars honking and looked up to the of eyes of a bewildered driver who was enjoying the show, much to the annoyance of other drivers who had places to be. For a second I thought to myself I must contain this dancing beast, but to contain it just wouldn’t feel natural. Doing things that come naturally (and from a good place) keeps us alive and helps us attract more of the things we want from life and unfortunately or maybe fortunately sometimes things that we don’t desire or think of. I never thought my dancing could bring joy and cause road rage.

I am by nature an open trusting oversharer, in this case doing what came naturally has left me open, vulnerable and hurt but has also led to some of the most loving caring and fulfilling experiences of my life. Knowing how much to share and with whom is so important. When I came to the realisation that I judge other people and their actions it made me begin to assess myself and feel the need to control my own actions.  When I was not so wise I attempted to fit in and do what others were doing to gain acceptance even going against what felt right and healthy for me, when this got exhausting and I had lost touch with who I truly was I became paranoid and borderline recluse and I stopped dancing!! But it was a situation that I needed for my own personal growth and healing, most importantly it brought me closer to God who I now share everything with. Having a deep connection to a higher power gives you the freedom to be you and flourish while you do. Now that I am wiser I live my life for me by rules and standards that God has placed in my heart this has also brought amazing people into my life who I comfortable to be confident and insecure around and I dance everywhere - mind, body, and soul.

Big brother and little sister are watching you too. A couple of days ago, there was a story in the news about how our TVs could be spying on us. This didn’t surprise me, it simply served as a reminder that we are constantly being policed so we must be mindful of what we are putting out there and opening ourselves up to, people have lost jobs and acquired them posting things on social media. I hate the way Google and Facebook customize ads and friend suggestions based on previous searches, can’t I just cyberstalk in peace? While the Internet, technology and social media are wonderful tools for information, marketing, and communication we need to be aware of the darker side of them. Cyberbullying and grooming are just the tip of the iceberg of issues us 21^st century parents have to contend with. This brings me to the little brothers and sisters who are watching us. We have a duty to live our lives in a way that sets an example for those coming up behind us. I don’t ascribe to the do as I do not as I say school of thought, actions speak louder than words. Our kids are watching us, constantly! They see us glued to our screens and naturally gravitate towards that. It doesn’t take much to engage kids, I have impromptu kitchen and living room discos with mine where we dance like no one is watching. Sometimes life gets in the way and I forget to dance but they remind me and demand we dance, the joy I get from knowing I have passed on something good is indescribable.

I encourage you to find your rhythm and dance with those and that which you love.

Because I can.

“Because I can,” was the eloquent answer I gave to my son when he found me doing a headstand in the living room one afternoon. He accepted the answer no further questions and joined in, only he went one better and did a handstand and other show off kid contortionist moves. Being the people pleaser that I was I would often want to explain my actions which left me open to further questioning from other people and myself. Perhaps it’s my age, maturity and/or experience that has reunited me with a phrase that I have no doubt helped me navigate childhood. Those three simple powerful words with butterfly effects that have the potential to influence, inspire and affirm leave little room for questioning which allows me to just be.

I discovered a talent for telling stories in high school, most of my friends were mainly reading Sweet Valley High, Sweet Dreams, and Mills & Boon books, which I found so predictable (I was a Nancy Drew reader, not predictable at all, lol) and after butting in on a conversation about the oh so complex love lives of the characters in one of these novels I stated that I could write a better story. I had to come through, and I did. Armed with no more than a biro and an imagination I would spend any spare moment I had writing stories in exercise books and produced little novellas regularly, complete with book cover artwork and blurb on the back. I didn’t look for a course, seek guidance from anyone or doubt that I could do it.

At some point, I stopped sharing my stories and I don’t remember specifically why or when but I’m sure it had something to do with “growing up” and acting out a few mini dramas in real life.  I transitioned to journaling and keeping things to myself because life proved to be stranger than fiction and there was no way I was about to share that with the world. I can’t help but wonder however what may have happened if I had followed my passion and continued writing stories to share, maybe I would have written that bestseller and be a millionaire but I may have forfeited the amazing journey that has been my life. I love my journals they were and are my counsellor, confidant, and friend they are funny, thought-provoking and revealing. They represent the part of me that is trying to figure things out and I was still using a natural gift (bonus). The more insular I became the less I believed I in my creative writing skill and it lay dormant for years but now the beast has woken and I am ready to share again and all I need is my laptop and mind. The tools may be different and more refined but the agents of creativity and action remain the same.

Often, we focus on what we can’t do instead of doing what we can. I say doing what we can do, not thinking about what we can do, to create we must do. One great thing about creativity in action is that it produces results. If they are the results we desire, great, if not, great, either way, learn from the experience and do better, whether that means moving in a different direction or improving process to achieve excellence. Another great thing is that creativity comes in all shapes and sizes and we all have within us a unique set of gifts that have the potential to change lives.

As I inspired my child to shine even brighter (upside down!) than I ever could, so could you inspire someone else. A chain reaction of inspiration and creativity is something our world could benefit from right now.

Google Map your life.

Goals are for reaching, then perfecting and exceeding.

You need to know where you are going in order to get there, this is the purpose of goal setting. It is useful to be aware of where you are coming from, but do not dwell on this too much as you may fall. If you are not trying to get somewhere… are you a tree? If you are you still need to grow, reach and blossom.

I was never much of a planner; I knew where I wanted to get to but did not pay much attention to the how and why. From my self-imposed misdirection, I now know that you must hold on to the why to access the how in order to keep the what within reach. I would often take my eye off the prize, forgetting that I was on a mission and then get frustrated when I find myself dizzy from walking around in circles. Google maps (GM) illustrates a very important lesson to me. It gets you where you need to go, with options. It lets you know how long it will take you to get there via different modes of transport and even the cost. Installed in every one of us lies a route planner awaiting instruction.

Before you set off on any journey you need to know your goal- where you are going. Knowing your destination, you need to figure out why you need to go there, realising that my failure to identify this as a significant factor in maintaining motivation has made my goals more achievable. I once did a couch to 5K which was difficult but I completed the programme and then went back to the couch. In the process of achieving my goal, I let my original why - to get fit for my health and to keep up with the kids. During the programme doubt, fear and mundanity took over, I had positive results in terms of fitness but the negative voice was louder and my goal changed to just finish the programme. I was happy that I had finished the programme and still count it as an achievement but as I skipped the perfection and exceeding stage I found myself back where I started. On the bright side now I’ve done it I know I can do it again.

You need to be aware of your location, how you got there does not matter so much - although it may determine how fast you need to move. In terms of my running, I was honest with myself and began my journey back to fitness with baby steps. Had I dwelt on how I had let myself go I probably never would have started.

While the general direction you must take may be apparent the real journey begins as you take the first step but you must remain focused and present to enjoy it, learn and grow as you go along. Guidance comes as you decide to move towards your goal, detours will appear but they are just that, detours. There is always a way back.

Activate your inner route planner and reach those goals, be honest about why you need to achieve them, when you do perfect them then surprise yourself and exceed them.

Make you excellent again!

PS: I am not an artist, I'm just making the best of what I've got.