I love MCR!

What happens when you can’t simply turn off the TV and choose to ignore all the bad news. It’s easier to distance yourself when you believe something does not directly affect you, but you come to learn that everything and everyone is connected. This week my home city got a taste of the daily struggle of people in conflict zones across the globe.  I don’t have the option of simply disengaging because terror came knocking on our door. My adopted city, Manchester, is an amazing place to live I have been leaving Manchester since I was about 6 but it keeps pulling me back, I’ve never fully understood the attraction until this week. The people are a diverse bunch, the overwhelming majority of whom are warm and friendly, the city is full of life with events and attractions all year round for all to enjoy, Manchester Arena is one of them.

I have been to concerts at the Arena, taken my kids there, walked passed there on many occasions never have I had a reason to feel unsafe. For a couple of days, that feeling changed and I began to think about whether going into town was ever going to be an option again. Thankfully the spirit of Manchester has helped me realise that with love and hope we can move forward and towards eliminating hurtful hate and actions. Loving and finding acceptance through pain is a tough thing to do but with time and the right people around it does happen. I can’t even begin to imagine what the families of those who lost their lives and those who were injured are going through but with the wonderful compassionate response from around the world and from the local community, things are made just that little bit easier.

What doesn’t break you makes you stronger and Manchester is definitely not broken, I sincerely hope terrorists are noting that their actions serve no other purpose than to bring the rest of the world closer together. Do they not realise that all their efforts are in vain? For centuries terrorists have been losing, they have been causing disruption, hurting the innocent and spending their lives hidden in the shadows only to be thwarted and meet miserable ends themselves. The positivity of unity, empathy and solidarity will always win over negative divisive behaviour, yet repeatedly new threats arise signifying an imperfect system. While we are good at rooting out evil we need to get better at stamping out the seeds of evil which include inequality, injustice, ignorance, and isolation. I've just realised all the seeds I have identified begin with 'I', the message that sends to me is selfishness or the interests of the individual or few breeds hate. 7.5 billion of us share this tiny planet, if we were meant to live isolated disconnected lives surely we would all have our own planets or at least Islands, but that was not God's plan. He created us all equal and gave us each other with our individual strengths and weaknesses so that we could work and live happily together as one and thrive. 

I encourage you to do as much as you can in your homes and communities to stamp out the seeds of evil. Change begins with the individual and quickly spreads, as it should, making positive change viral should be a global goal.

Big up a friend.

This morning I crossed paths with a friend doing the school run as I do almost every day. After we were done we continued to chat as we headed in the general directions of our homes we were deep in conversation so we decided to take the long way home and eventually ended up in a café because I really needed an ear. First of all I just want to say thank you to Preye (check out her amazing talent  on instagram @cakesbypreye) for being such an amazing friend and woman, she doesn’t get much time to herself but what she does have she was willing to spend listening to me and my ramblings. Secondly, not only does she listen but she tells me the truth of what she is hearing from me and she reminds me that I ought to start practising what I preach. I think so much about what I should be doing and I plan what I want to do so much that I convince myself that I am actually doing these things but I am clearly not. 

It’s easy for us to believe that we are the only ones ‘going through it,’ sharing helps because you have the benefit of gaining a different perspective and maybe even realising that its really not a problem it’s just life. No one has answers to everything you just have to work things out as you go along, but we must choose to be happy as we journey along. One great outcome of our conversation was realising how much we as individuals and a collective have to offer in providing the community and experiences that we want for our kids, which has perhaps birthed a new project for us that fills me with excitement, hope and nerves, all of which are signs that I am alive and therefore winning. With the only certainty in life being death we really should reach for the stars and welcome new experiences people and opportunities.

Focussing on what you don’t want or what is not going so well will only bring you more of that thing. I have never thought of myself as a 9 – 5 worker as I am just not the conventional office type but because that was all I ever thought about as regards work, so that is all I had ever done. Now that I am accepting who and where I am, I am beginning to create opportunities for myself that allow me to work more creatively and flexibly, Preye inspires me in this as she stepped out in her truth with faith and natural talent to create a business for herself that is flexible and brings happiness to herself and others.

 Focus on who you are to become who you are meant to be. 

The one I was waiting for was me.

For as long as I can remember I have been looking for someone to make things right for me. To open doors, hold my hand, tell me I was loved, tell me what to do and how to be fulfilled. Life provided some people to fulfil what I thought I wanted, I can attest to the fact that you do find what it is you are looking for, but I never felt quite complete and would keep searching without adapting my search technique. I was truly the mad woman who did the same thing expecting different outcomes, as I look back on my life I see repeat behaviours and experiences that sometimes brought me back full circle, knocked me back but thankfully not out. Life has been kind enough to allow me my mistakes, and there have been many, until I learned (I continue to learn) the lessons I need to be my best self. When you look to someone else to complete you what we normally don’t consider is that they too are looking for something, while you are looking for someone to take care of you and protect you from the world they may be looking for someone to control or may need protecting as well.  As I am the only one who knows what I really need to feel complete it follows that I should complete me and anyone else coming to the table is to add value, a different dynamic and for expansion purposes.

Comfort zones are very comfortable. My comfort zone was created to protect me from potential disappointment which has its roots in comparison, my go to reasoning is I will never be as talented/rich/slim as whoever so why even try. Instead of comparing myself to people it has been more helpful to understand that everyone has their own journey and talents, by appreciating traits and habits of people we admire we can change our lives. In a comfort zone, you know what to expect and know what you need to do to stay safe but I believe we are designed to want more out of life and at some point, we always want more or something different be it from work or play.  Fighting to stay in a comfort zone can become so uncomfortable we are forced out, we can be bolder and kinder to ourselves and not fight just step out into perceived danger zones which are thrilling and teach us much more keeping us growing. Comfort zones are identifiers of the limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves, mine was chaotic and dramatic, I believed that was just who I was and I didn’t deserve any peace and even in seeking peace by withdrawing, drama followed because I held on to the limiting belief of myself as chaotic. The minute I allowed myself to live drama free by changing my perspective and becoming more organised and purposeful things became calmer, simpler, and more focused.

I used to think wanting more and not being satisfied with what I had made me an ungrateful and covetous green-eyed monster.  Not wanting to be a monster I remained in a comfort zone with an unhealthy relationship with a lot of things in my life most significantly people, money, and myself this did not, however, stop me from wanting more and hating myself for not being able to lay my hands on more although I never gave much thought to what exactly what I wanted.  Understanding that in order to enjoy life more we have to be satisfied with and thankful for what we have did not come easily and it began with being accepting of the fact that I not only wanted more out of life but was deserving of more, I had to give thought to what it is I want out of life and why. I am grateful for all the people in my life and I am no longer in silent competition with anyone, the only person I compete with is me. I am being more open and honest in my relationship with money which I now see as an abundantly accessible tool for good.

Life is much more fun when you show up to your own party and are the best dance partner for you. When you are ready allow others to dance along with you.

Love does not come in a box.

As many different kinds of people there are on this planet there are different kinds of love and it’s not for any of us to judge how, why, when or what anyone decides to love.  Love is a funny thing. We all know what it feels like to be loved, we know that we want it and we want to give it. I refuse to believe that no one wants it. The problem though begins when we begin to standardise love, boxing it up and making it look all pretty. Love is complex.

After a long day at work, I got home to find my boyfriend sitting at his desk, we said our hellos and I turned around to leave the room when he stopped me saying there was something for me on the desk. I looked to where he was pointing with a pen. There was a ring box, I walked over with not a lot going on in my mind opened the box and in it was a ring.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“What do you want it to be?”

“Well, it could be a friendship ring, eternity ring or engagement ring, which is it?” He finally turns around and says “Do you want it or not? I want to marry you. I have been telling you this since we first met. You decide.”

“Ok, let’s get married then. But you know I’m a complicated mess, right?”

“Yep.”

Not quite the romantic movie proposal I had envisioned but it worked for me and to this day makes me smile inside. I do forget that sometimes and occasionally lodge a request for a do-over, which I am yet to receive. The words used may not be the exact ones but knowing us it’s probably about right and it brings me to my first point on love as I have experienced it. Love should not keep a record. I am guilty of keeping record of wrong doings and bringing them up in an argument or as a justification for my own wrongdoing. As I continue to grow I realise how foolish this is, it creates a vicious hurtful cycle and by doing this I am not taking ownership of my choices. I choose to leave childish ways behind.

One of my favourite misconceptions about love is that it doesn’t hurt… love hurts bad! (I’m not talking about physical pain unless consensual variations of 50 shades are your thing). Love hurts because it changes us, it takes us out of our comfort zone. I hate confrontation and would rather not see or speak to a person again than address issues. As a mum, more than anything I have had to unleash my inner lioness and fight for what’s right, with my words and actions. Taking responsibility for my life and circumstances to love myself more has meant facing some home truths which can be the most painful thing but also highly rewarding in propelling me to a better version of myself.

Another misunderstanding about love that I am fixing… love doesn’t pay the rent, no it doesn’t but it should work together to figure out how it does get paid. This could mean finding someone who is willing and able to pay all the bills which may or may not also include love and respect for each other and what each person brings to the table. It may mean bringing income and resources together to make it work with love and respect. Bills and money have an enormous effect on most couples’ lives, finding something that works for your situation, bearing in mind values and beliefs is essential.

The only person who can love you unconditionally and constantly is God and maybe your mother and I say that with all the love in this world. We all have our limits and saying no to love is the most loving thing you can do sometimes. I am a self-named hippy child who wants to love everyone every day, I used to think this meant living in people’s pockets, you can’t be with all your friends and relatives all the time it’s a physical impossibility also mentally and emotionally taxing.

Love, much like life, is what you make it and what you need it to be. Love is living, being you and sharing that. Give love freely but be selfish with it. The beauty is in the complexity that you cannot put in a box.

The importance of being present.

My father used to give us talks at the beginning of each school term that were intended to be inspirational and motivational, and they were in hindsight. He always stressed the importance of doing well at school and the fact that the only inheritance he had for us was the education he was paying for. I wish I had listened more but as they say, youth is wasted on the young. One thing that struck a chord was him saying wherever you are, be there. I’d be lying if I were to say it was such a deep revolutionary moment for me, the phrase lay deep in my conscience for a long time, it would pop up every now and then and I would think, what was he on? of course I am where I am. I am only just now realising the meaning of what he said.

Displayed on the wall of the reception area of my son’s school are statistics on attendance of each school year and the corresponding levels of attainment, the fewer the absences recorded the higher the level of achievement. From registration/roll call at school to clocking on at work, being present dictates levels of attainment and reward. This system of accountability and consequence ensures we turn up but most of us are not really present even when we do. When attendance is not mandatory or there is no obvious system of accountability the importance of presence tends to fall to the wayside, yet often this is the presence that counts most.

To fully benefit from presence, we need to make sure not only our body turns up but our minds and souls too. I can think of thousands of occasions of where I have been physically present but mind and soul were miles away. For years, I have attributed my low to average performance and absentmindedness to disinterest, depression, fatigue, mum-brain and much more, these are all valid reasons but at some point, it stopped being enough for me and I needed to sort it out because it was becoming overwhelming and frankly quite disconcerting.

I have driven to work forgetting to drop my baby off at daycare, I have put one of my children’s reading books into my handbag as I lectured them on how disorganised they are.  After my tirade, my poor little one gently replied “Yes, mum. Can I have my book now.” I recognised the look and tone of voice as I have used them often when my own parents have been “advising” me. I had recorded my attendance, “Yes mum/dad” but not my presence, evidenced by eye rolling and repeat offending. In both instances, I was so busy thinking about things that had to be done, things that had happened and what might happen in the future. Not only have I caused chaos and confusion in my own life but I have missed amazing moments in life because I was too busy being somewhere else in my mind and soul.

How much of life is passing you by because you are thinking about something else or doing something at the wrong time? TV is what I use to distract myself from addressing things. Distraction only serves to put things on hold and while they are on hold life goes on and piles on more. I have spent hours watching TV hitting the rewind button frequently because I have totally blanked out or been otherwise distracted. A more useful button is the stop button, even better power off and deal. Not saying there is no place for TV in my life. When I am ready to watch it I want to be fully present so I don’t feel I need to binge to make up.

Life doesn’t have a pause or rewind button, we may get the chance to do the occasional catch-up or do over but we miss the beauty in the moment. 

Because I can.

“Because I can,” was the eloquent answer I gave to my son when he found me doing a headstand in the living room one afternoon. He accepted the answer no further questions and joined in, only he went one better and did a handstand and other show off kid contortionist moves. Being the people pleaser that I was I would often want to explain my actions which left me open to further questioning from other people and myself. Perhaps it’s my age, maturity and/or experience that has reunited me with a phrase that I have no doubt helped me navigate childhood. Those three simple powerful words with butterfly effects that have the potential to influence, inspire and affirm leave little room for questioning which allows me to just be.

I discovered a talent for telling stories in high school, most of my friends were mainly reading Sweet Valley High, Sweet Dreams, and Mills & Boon books, which I found so predictable (I was a Nancy Drew reader, not predictable at all, lol) and after butting in on a conversation about the oh so complex love lives of the characters in one of these novels I stated that I could write a better story. I had to come through, and I did. Armed with no more than a biro and an imagination I would spend any spare moment I had writing stories in exercise books and produced little novellas regularly, complete with book cover artwork and blurb on the back. I didn’t look for a course, seek guidance from anyone or doubt that I could do it.

At some point, I stopped sharing my stories and I don’t remember specifically why or when but I’m sure it had something to do with “growing up” and acting out a few mini dramas in real life.  I transitioned to journaling and keeping things to myself because life proved to be stranger than fiction and there was no way I was about to share that with the world. I can’t help but wonder however what may have happened if I had followed my passion and continued writing stories to share, maybe I would have written that bestseller and be a millionaire but I may have forfeited the amazing journey that has been my life. I love my journals they were and are my counsellor, confidant, and friend they are funny, thought-provoking and revealing. They represent the part of me that is trying to figure things out and I was still using a natural gift (bonus). The more insular I became the less I believed I in my creative writing skill and it lay dormant for years but now the beast has woken and I am ready to share again and all I need is my laptop and mind. The tools may be different and more refined but the agents of creativity and action remain the same.

Often, we focus on what we can’t do instead of doing what we can. I say doing what we can do, not thinking about what we can do, to create we must do. One great thing about creativity in action is that it produces results. If they are the results we desire, great, if not, great, either way, learn from the experience and do better, whether that means moving in a different direction or improving process to achieve excellence. Another great thing is that creativity comes in all shapes and sizes and we all have within us a unique set of gifts that have the potential to change lives.

As I inspired my child to shine even brighter (upside down!) than I ever could, so could you inspire someone else. A chain reaction of inspiration and creativity is something our world could benefit from right now.

Breaking up.

A Lulu Sanusi original …. Spoken word mixtape dropping soon.

I am breaking up with sugar

Because it makes me sad

At first it brings me so much joy

Then knocks me out with pain

It doesn’t know my name.

Since we became an item my body and mind

They’ve changed

This dependency, it’s killing me

I know I am to blame

I’ve been cheating on my size 8 frame

The truth is out, hooray I shout

I set me free

I create my destiny.

**Finger snaps**

I found this poem in a journal of mine. It made me LOL, then question my sanity, then appreciate the deepness and realise this can be applied to all types of relationships.

How much thought do we give to the relationships we decide to enter whether they be with other people, food, drink or material things. I personally don’t give it too much thought (or at least that’s what I thought until I started thinking about it) I’m a dive in and deal with the consequences as they come type of person. It has meant that I have had a lot of fixing to do, Olivia Pope would be so proud, I have often found myself in very awkward situations some very funny others not at all funny, because of relationships I should not be in or I should have amended.

It’s normally only when something goes wrong that I begin to question why I even know a person or needed to have that cup of coffee with sugar and a chocolate or muffin.  In trying to figure out the relationship game, life has taught me honesty is the best policy and it's mainly honesty with myself. When you enter any relationship it’s for a reason. You need to pay bills, you get a job or someone who can pay them for you. You feel lonely, you start talking to that person you walk past every day or you buy that chocolate fudge cake.  Know why you are going into a relationship, take responsibility for it and when things no longer feel right remove yourself or redefine it. I have stayed in relationships just so I don’t hurt others feelings but I was hurting me by not being authentic, now that I realise my worth I know it is much kinder to let things and people go graciously.

Human beings are funny things. We know what and who is not good for us but we keep holding on, hoping something or someone will change. As Maya Angelou, one of my personal sheroes said, “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” The only thing we have control over is ourselves, how we act, react, show up and present ourselves. Self-mastery is what we are aiming for here people, and if you are not, what are you doing here? Seriously.

I am addicted to sugar and have been for a while. My relationship with sugar is that of a child to their comforter. It is my go to. I must either work on redefining my relationship or cut all ties, neither option will be easy. Sugar is everywhere… milk, bread, granola, wine, fruit juice … basically everything nice. A complete breakup is hard, but not breaking up may be harder especially as it affects my mental, emotional, and physical health. To redefine this relationship, I will take a break from “hardcore” sugar and seek comfort in human beings, I heard being social animals this can work for us, I shall choose wisely. Sometime in the future, sugar and I will be able to have a conversation maybe even laugh about old times but I know we can never go back to how it used to be because we will have moved on. I will let you know how this is going.

Be good to you, that is the most important relationship you have, it sets the tone for all other relationships in your life.

If you need advice or a human being in your life please feel free to mail me smilelifemgt@gmail.com

Own YOUR labels...

... and love them.

No, I’m not talking D&G, Gucci, Louboutin, or George J that is perhaps a topic for another day. For the purposes of this post I’m talking about the labels we attach to ourselves, the words that define who we are, how we want to be known and why.

Many people put a great deal of thought into the names they give their children, others… not so much, I can think of many names that have had me widen my eyes and think well alright then, but hey if it works for them it works if not there is always deed poll. But I digress… Where I’m from the name given to a child can be based on various combinations of the following and more: the area and/or tribe they are from, the time of year they were born, circumstances surrounding their birth, their position in the family, the hopes and dreams parents have for their child or they may be named after a relative. People become their names and more importantly their labels.

My eldest son is named Jamal which is an Arabic name meaning beauty, he is a beautiful person inside and out. He KNOWS his name as a teacher of his found out when she insisted on calling him “Je-rh-mil” and after he attempted to correct her got sent out of class. When discussing the issue my child simply said “it’s just that is not my name.” I had to agree with him. Why would you let someone call you something you are not? I had a similar situation with my second child Talal (Arabic name meaning gift, and he is!) who in a discussion stated that he would no longer be accepting people calling him black because he is clearly brown. Both instances got me thinking about the importance of defining yourself, if you don’t know who you are how can you let other people know.

When I was a child I knew who I was. My name is Lumuni, meaning bright light, affectionately known as Lulu. I loved my name it is unique, I was unique, I could do anything because of my uniqueness I was happy, light and ready to conquer the world. But then people began to remix my name, I got called Lemontree, the moonie and more. At first I would correct people then I gave in and denounced the name telling everyone to just call me Lulu. This coupled with a few negative life experiences separated me from who I truly am. I let other people tell me who I was and learned to adapt myself to make sure other people were comfortable with me which got really uncomfortable for me. Thankfully, I have learned to do the work to find my way back. It’s not been easy and I am nowhere near done, self-improvement is a continuous process it keeps us alive. I can only change myself, I have had to listen to what I am saying to myself, change the script to support loving me which has changed the way I act, interact, and experience life for the better.

Labels I choose to attach to myself today are caring, loving, talented, Queen of my dance-floor. I have fun with my labels. I am still affectionately known as Lulu, I love being Lumuni and anyone who wishes to call me that must do so correctly, remixes kindly check yourself at the door.

Get back to being you. Listen to the names you are teaching the world to know you by. Change labels you don’t like keep ones you do. Be fabulous. Be you, because no one does you better.