The joy of the unknown.

We should all try new things to get things or experiences we have never had but more importantly to dispel myths that we tend to create for the world. By trying new things, we surprise and inform ourselves opening ourselves up to the abundance this universe has on offer.

I am writing a book. It’s an idea I have been playing with for years. I have started and stopped so many times, the minute I tell someone about it I am filled with fear to the point of paralysis.  I have lost so many edits because I just did not think them good enough. Any time I sit down to work on it I search for things that I have written before and upon reading them I think well that’s rubbish and then just move on doing something else. Being a seeker of the meaning of life and knowing that it begins with knowing thyself I believe that it is that which we fear most that we must do. In seeking the answers to life and getting to know yourself you come to understand that there is no end to this journey so while you may take some time off to do this, the work is never over. The challenge is in taking action as we learn, the most successful and fulfilled people in life are those who are not afraid to fail, those who take calculated risk and keep trying. When I say success, I do not mean financial success although that is what most people count as success, myself included.

Chasing a high salary has never been for me but I used to believe that this meant something was wrong with me, so I would look at those who I believed were happy because of all the money they were making but without understanding their struggle, motivation, and sacrifice. All this came to was me beating myself up for nothing, time wasting. I wish I could say that I am not motivated by money but I am in as much as it keeps a roof over my head and puts food in my belly and a little bit more to enable me to do things that bring happiness to me and those I hold dear. Which is the real reason why I could never fully commit to writing. It does not put money in my pocket. One day I had the crazy idea to change the way I looked at it, rather than being a vehicle that literally fed the body, writing became a fuel for the soul and mind. First with letter writing and journaling, then blogging and now actively working on my book and having my mind opened to other writing opportunities in this big glorious universe. All we need in this life is opportunity which we must seek for they rarely come calling. With this in mind and with my 40^th birthday looming I have decided to make a Forty before 40 list to broaden my experiences and network and give me more to write, talk and laugh about. I will share some (maybe all depending on where my mind takes me) of the list soon and invite anyone to do the same and share as well.  

When I sat at my desk this morning I had no idea what to write about but I showed up and created something it all began with intention, get your intentions right and the rest will come. Trust the process.

Big up a friend.

This morning I crossed paths with a friend doing the school run as I do almost every day. After we were done we continued to chat as we headed in the general directions of our homes we were deep in conversation so we decided to take the long way home and eventually ended up in a café because I really needed an ear. First of all I just want to say thank you to Preye (check out her amazing talent  on instagram @cakesbypreye) for being such an amazing friend and woman, she doesn’t get much time to herself but what she does have she was willing to spend listening to me and my ramblings. Secondly, not only does she listen but she tells me the truth of what she is hearing from me and she reminds me that I ought to start practising what I preach. I think so much about what I should be doing and I plan what I want to do so much that I convince myself that I am actually doing these things but I am clearly not. 

It’s easy for us to believe that we are the only ones ‘going through it,’ sharing helps because you have the benefit of gaining a different perspective and maybe even realising that its really not a problem it’s just life. No one has answers to everything you just have to work things out as you go along, but we must choose to be happy as we journey along. One great outcome of our conversation was realising how much we as individuals and a collective have to offer in providing the community and experiences that we want for our kids, which has perhaps birthed a new project for us that fills me with excitement, hope and nerves, all of which are signs that I am alive and therefore winning. With the only certainty in life being death we really should reach for the stars and welcome new experiences people and opportunities.

Focussing on what you don’t want or what is not going so well will only bring you more of that thing. I have never thought of myself as a 9 – 5 worker as I am just not the conventional office type but because that was all I ever thought about as regards work, so that is all I had ever done. Now that I am accepting who and where I am, I am beginning to create opportunities for myself that allow me to work more creatively and flexibly, Preye inspires me in this as she stepped out in her truth with faith and natural talent to create a business for herself that is flexible and brings happiness to herself and others.

 Focus on who you are to become who you are meant to be. 

Dance like no one is watching.

Dance like no one is watching…

But beware, someone always is.

Life is full of idiosyncrasies. We are told to dance/live like no one is watching but someone almost always is especially in this big brother age not to mention the big guy in the sky.

Walking down the street one day I lost myself to the music, which is not very unusual for me as music makes me lose control, always has and hopefully always will. I was so lost in the music I didn’t realise the dancing that was going on was not in my head until I heard cars honking and looked up to the of eyes of a bewildered driver who was enjoying the show, much to the annoyance of other drivers who had places to be. For a second I thought to myself I must contain this dancing beast, but to contain it just wouldn’t feel natural. Doing things that come naturally (and from a good place) keeps us alive and helps us attract more of the things we want from life and unfortunately or maybe fortunately sometimes things that we don’t desire or think of. I never thought my dancing could bring joy and cause road rage.

I am by nature an open trusting oversharer, in this case doing what came naturally has left me open, vulnerable and hurt but has also led to some of the most loving caring and fulfilling experiences of my life. Knowing how much to share and with whom is so important. When I came to the realisation that I judge other people and their actions it made me begin to assess myself and feel the need to control my own actions.  When I was not so wise I attempted to fit in and do what others were doing to gain acceptance even going against what felt right and healthy for me, when this got exhausting and I had lost touch with who I truly was I became paranoid and borderline recluse and I stopped dancing!! But it was a situation that I needed for my own personal growth and healing, most importantly it brought me closer to God who I now share everything with. Having a deep connection to a higher power gives you the freedom to be you and flourish while you do. Now that I am wiser I live my life for me by rules and standards that God has placed in my heart this has also brought amazing people into my life who I comfortable to be confident and insecure around and I dance everywhere - mind, body, and soul.

Big brother and little sister are watching you too. A couple of days ago, there was a story in the news about how our TVs could be spying on us. This didn’t surprise me, it simply served as a reminder that we are constantly being policed so we must be mindful of what we are putting out there and opening ourselves up to, people have lost jobs and acquired them posting things on social media. I hate the way Google and Facebook customize ads and friend suggestions based on previous searches, can’t I just cyberstalk in peace? While the Internet, technology and social media are wonderful tools for information, marketing, and communication we need to be aware of the darker side of them. Cyberbullying and grooming are just the tip of the iceberg of issues us 21^st century parents have to contend with. This brings me to the little brothers and sisters who are watching us. We have a duty to live our lives in a way that sets an example for those coming up behind us. I don’t ascribe to the do as I do not as I say school of thought, actions speak louder than words. Our kids are watching us, constantly! They see us glued to our screens and naturally gravitate towards that. It doesn’t take much to engage kids, I have impromptu kitchen and living room discos with mine where we dance like no one is watching. Sometimes life gets in the way and I forget to dance but they remind me and demand we dance, the joy I get from knowing I have passed on something good is indescribable.

I encourage you to find your rhythm and dance with those and that which you love.

Love does not come in a box.

As many different kinds of people there are on this planet there are different kinds of love and it’s not for any of us to judge how, why, when or what anyone decides to love.  Love is a funny thing. We all know what it feels like to be loved, we know that we want it and we want to give it. I refuse to believe that no one wants it. The problem though begins when we begin to standardise love, boxing it up and making it look all pretty. Love is complex.

After a long day at work, I got home to find my boyfriend sitting at his desk, we said our hellos and I turned around to leave the room when he stopped me saying there was something for me on the desk. I looked to where he was pointing with a pen. There was a ring box, I walked over with not a lot going on in my mind opened the box and in it was a ring.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“What do you want it to be?”

“Well, it could be a friendship ring, eternity ring or engagement ring, which is it?” He finally turns around and says “Do you want it or not? I want to marry you. I have been telling you this since we first met. You decide.”

“Ok, let’s get married then. But you know I’m a complicated mess, right?”

“Yep.”

Not quite the romantic movie proposal I had envisioned but it worked for me and to this day makes me smile inside. I do forget that sometimes and occasionally lodge a request for a do-over, which I am yet to receive. The words used may not be the exact ones but knowing us it’s probably about right and it brings me to my first point on love as I have experienced it. Love should not keep a record. I am guilty of keeping record of wrong doings and bringing them up in an argument or as a justification for my own wrongdoing. As I continue to grow I realise how foolish this is, it creates a vicious hurtful cycle and by doing this I am not taking ownership of my choices. I choose to leave childish ways behind.

One of my favourite misconceptions about love is that it doesn’t hurt… love hurts bad! (I’m not talking about physical pain unless consensual variations of 50 shades are your thing). Love hurts because it changes us, it takes us out of our comfort zone. I hate confrontation and would rather not see or speak to a person again than address issues. As a mum, more than anything I have had to unleash my inner lioness and fight for what’s right, with my words and actions. Taking responsibility for my life and circumstances to love myself more has meant facing some home truths which can be the most painful thing but also highly rewarding in propelling me to a better version of myself.

Another misunderstanding about love that I am fixing… love doesn’t pay the rent, no it doesn’t but it should work together to figure out how it does get paid. This could mean finding someone who is willing and able to pay all the bills which may or may not also include love and respect for each other and what each person brings to the table. It may mean bringing income and resources together to make it work with love and respect. Bills and money have an enormous effect on most couples’ lives, finding something that works for your situation, bearing in mind values and beliefs is essential.

The only person who can love you unconditionally and constantly is God and maybe your mother and I say that with all the love in this world. We all have our limits and saying no to love is the most loving thing you can do sometimes. I am a self-named hippy child who wants to love everyone every day, I used to think this meant living in people’s pockets, you can’t be with all your friends and relatives all the time it’s a physical impossibility also mentally and emotionally taxing.

Love, much like life, is what you make it and what you need it to be. Love is living, being you and sharing that. Give love freely but be selfish with it. The beauty is in the complexity that you cannot put in a box.

The importance of being present.

My father used to give us talks at the beginning of each school term that were intended to be inspirational and motivational, and they were in hindsight. He always stressed the importance of doing well at school and the fact that the only inheritance he had for us was the education he was paying for. I wish I had listened more but as they say, youth is wasted on the young. One thing that struck a chord was him saying wherever you are, be there. I’d be lying if I were to say it was such a deep revolutionary moment for me, the phrase lay deep in my conscience for a long time, it would pop up every now and then and I would think, what was he on? of course I am where I am. I am only just now realising the meaning of what he said.

Displayed on the wall of the reception area of my son’s school are statistics on attendance of each school year and the corresponding levels of attainment, the fewer the absences recorded the higher the level of achievement. From registration/roll call at school to clocking on at work, being present dictates levels of attainment and reward. This system of accountability and consequence ensures we turn up but most of us are not really present even when we do. When attendance is not mandatory or there is no obvious system of accountability the importance of presence tends to fall to the wayside, yet often this is the presence that counts most.

To fully benefit from presence, we need to make sure not only our body turns up but our minds and souls too. I can think of thousands of occasions of where I have been physically present but mind and soul were miles away. For years, I have attributed my low to average performance and absentmindedness to disinterest, depression, fatigue, mum-brain and much more, these are all valid reasons but at some point, it stopped being enough for me and I needed to sort it out because it was becoming overwhelming and frankly quite disconcerting.

I have driven to work forgetting to drop my baby off at daycare, I have put one of my children’s reading books into my handbag as I lectured them on how disorganised they are.  After my tirade, my poor little one gently replied “Yes, mum. Can I have my book now.” I recognised the look and tone of voice as I have used them often when my own parents have been “advising” me. I had recorded my attendance, “Yes mum/dad” but not my presence, evidenced by eye rolling and repeat offending. In both instances, I was so busy thinking about things that had to be done, things that had happened and what might happen in the future. Not only have I caused chaos and confusion in my own life but I have missed amazing moments in life because I was too busy being somewhere else in my mind and soul.

How much of life is passing you by because you are thinking about something else or doing something at the wrong time? TV is what I use to distract myself from addressing things. Distraction only serves to put things on hold and while they are on hold life goes on and piles on more. I have spent hours watching TV hitting the rewind button frequently because I have totally blanked out or been otherwise distracted. A more useful button is the stop button, even better power off and deal. Not saying there is no place for TV in my life. When I am ready to watch it I want to be fully present so I don’t feel I need to binge to make up.

Life doesn’t have a pause or rewind button, we may get the chance to do the occasional catch-up or do over but we miss the beauty in the moment. 

Google Map your life.

Goals are for reaching, then perfecting and exceeding.

You need to know where you are going in order to get there, this is the purpose of goal setting. It is useful to be aware of where you are coming from, but do not dwell on this too much as you may fall. If you are not trying to get somewhere… are you a tree? If you are you still need to grow, reach and blossom.

I was never much of a planner; I knew where I wanted to get to but did not pay much attention to the how and why. From my self-imposed misdirection, I now know that you must hold on to the why to access the how in order to keep the what within reach. I would often take my eye off the prize, forgetting that I was on a mission and then get frustrated when I find myself dizzy from walking around in circles. Google maps (GM) illustrates a very important lesson to me. It gets you where you need to go, with options. It lets you know how long it will take you to get there via different modes of transport and even the cost. Installed in every one of us lies a route planner awaiting instruction.

Before you set off on any journey you need to know your goal- where you are going. Knowing your destination, you need to figure out why you need to go there, realising that my failure to identify this as a significant factor in maintaining motivation has made my goals more achievable. I once did a couch to 5K which was difficult but I completed the programme and then went back to the couch. In the process of achieving my goal, I let my original why - to get fit for my health and to keep up with the kids. During the programme doubt, fear and mundanity took over, I had positive results in terms of fitness but the negative voice was louder and my goal changed to just finish the programme. I was happy that I had finished the programme and still count it as an achievement but as I skipped the perfection and exceeding stage I found myself back where I started. On the bright side now I’ve done it I know I can do it again.

You need to be aware of your location, how you got there does not matter so much - although it may determine how fast you need to move. In terms of my running, I was honest with myself and began my journey back to fitness with baby steps. Had I dwelt on how I had let myself go I probably never would have started.

While the general direction you must take may be apparent the real journey begins as you take the first step but you must remain focused and present to enjoy it, learn and grow as you go along. Guidance comes as you decide to move towards your goal, detours will appear but they are just that, detours. There is always a way back.

Activate your inner route planner and reach those goals, be honest about why you need to achieve them, when you do perfect them then surprise yourself and exceed them.

Make you excellent again!

PS: I am not an artist, I'm just making the best of what I've got.

Breaking up.

A Lulu Sanusi original …. Spoken word mixtape dropping soon.

I am breaking up with sugar

Because it makes me sad

At first it brings me so much joy

Then knocks me out with pain

It doesn’t know my name.

Since we became an item my body and mind

They’ve changed

This dependency, it’s killing me

I know I am to blame

I’ve been cheating on my size 8 frame

The truth is out, hooray I shout

I set me free

I create my destiny.

**Finger snaps**

I found this poem in a journal of mine. It made me LOL, then question my sanity, then appreciate the deepness and realise this can be applied to all types of relationships.

How much thought do we give to the relationships we decide to enter whether they be with other people, food, drink or material things. I personally don’t give it too much thought (or at least that’s what I thought until I started thinking about it) I’m a dive in and deal with the consequences as they come type of person. It has meant that I have had a lot of fixing to do, Olivia Pope would be so proud, I have often found myself in very awkward situations some very funny others not at all funny, because of relationships I should not be in or I should have amended.

It’s normally only when something goes wrong that I begin to question why I even know a person or needed to have that cup of coffee with sugar and a chocolate or muffin.  In trying to figure out the relationship game, life has taught me honesty is the best policy and it's mainly honesty with myself. When you enter any relationship it’s for a reason. You need to pay bills, you get a job or someone who can pay them for you. You feel lonely, you start talking to that person you walk past every day or you buy that chocolate fudge cake.  Know why you are going into a relationship, take responsibility for it and when things no longer feel right remove yourself or redefine it. I have stayed in relationships just so I don’t hurt others feelings but I was hurting me by not being authentic, now that I realise my worth I know it is much kinder to let things and people go graciously.

Human beings are funny things. We know what and who is not good for us but we keep holding on, hoping something or someone will change. As Maya Angelou, one of my personal sheroes said, “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” The only thing we have control over is ourselves, how we act, react, show up and present ourselves. Self-mastery is what we are aiming for here people, and if you are not, what are you doing here? Seriously.

I am addicted to sugar and have been for a while. My relationship with sugar is that of a child to their comforter. It is my go to. I must either work on redefining my relationship or cut all ties, neither option will be easy. Sugar is everywhere… milk, bread, granola, wine, fruit juice … basically everything nice. A complete breakup is hard, but not breaking up may be harder especially as it affects my mental, emotional, and physical health. To redefine this relationship, I will take a break from “hardcore” sugar and seek comfort in human beings, I heard being social animals this can work for us, I shall choose wisely. Sometime in the future, sugar and I will be able to have a conversation maybe even laugh about old times but I know we can never go back to how it used to be because we will have moved on. I will let you know how this is going.

Be good to you, that is the most important relationship you have, it sets the tone for all other relationships in your life.

If you need advice or a human being in your life please feel free to mail me smilelifemgt@gmail.com

Own YOUR labels...

... and love them.

No, I’m not talking D&G, Gucci, Louboutin, or George J that is perhaps a topic for another day. For the purposes of this post I’m talking about the labels we attach to ourselves, the words that define who we are, how we want to be known and why.

Many people put a great deal of thought into the names they give their children, others… not so much, I can think of many names that have had me widen my eyes and think well alright then, but hey if it works for them it works if not there is always deed poll. But I digress… Where I’m from the name given to a child can be based on various combinations of the following and more: the area and/or tribe they are from, the time of year they were born, circumstances surrounding their birth, their position in the family, the hopes and dreams parents have for their child or they may be named after a relative. People become their names and more importantly their labels.

My eldest son is named Jamal which is an Arabic name meaning beauty, he is a beautiful person inside and out. He KNOWS his name as a teacher of his found out when she insisted on calling him “Je-rh-mil” and after he attempted to correct her got sent out of class. When discussing the issue my child simply said “it’s just that is not my name.” I had to agree with him. Why would you let someone call you something you are not? I had a similar situation with my second child Talal (Arabic name meaning gift, and he is!) who in a discussion stated that he would no longer be accepting people calling him black because he is clearly brown. Both instances got me thinking about the importance of defining yourself, if you don’t know who you are how can you let other people know.

When I was a child I knew who I was. My name is Lumuni, meaning bright light, affectionately known as Lulu. I loved my name it is unique, I was unique, I could do anything because of my uniqueness I was happy, light and ready to conquer the world. But then people began to remix my name, I got called Lemontree, the moonie and more. At first I would correct people then I gave in and denounced the name telling everyone to just call me Lulu. This coupled with a few negative life experiences separated me from who I truly am. I let other people tell me who I was and learned to adapt myself to make sure other people were comfortable with me which got really uncomfortable for me. Thankfully, I have learned to do the work to find my way back. It’s not been easy and I am nowhere near done, self-improvement is a continuous process it keeps us alive. I can only change myself, I have had to listen to what I am saying to myself, change the script to support loving me which has changed the way I act, interact, and experience life for the better.

Labels I choose to attach to myself today are caring, loving, talented, Queen of my dance-floor. I have fun with my labels. I am still affectionately known as Lulu, I love being Lumuni and anyone who wishes to call me that must do so correctly, remixes kindly check yourself at the door.

Get back to being you. Listen to the names you are teaching the world to know you by. Change labels you don’t like keep ones you do. Be fabulous. Be you, because no one does you better. 

Smile

Smile.

It is free.

The benefits of smiling are endless. Ask Google, better still, try it yourself. Even fake smiling is beneficial, personally sometimes when I am feeling a bit glum or someone is trying to tell me something I have no business receiving I just begin to smile and I am transported to the magical and often elusive land of joy.

Smiling on the outside is easy, smiling on the inside can be a bit trickier and we could all do with a little help finding our inner smiles. An inside smile is anything that lets you know and feel that everything is ok. It gives you joy, makes you feel love, happiness, giddiness and reminds you what we all really know - all things good come from within. By sharing some of my life with anyone who reads this I hope to make you smile or at the very least encourage you to discover what makes you smile.

Have you ever played a game that only you know you are playing? I do… frequently. Sad? Perhaps, but it brings me so much joy. Testing life theories and laws of attraction gives me life! Walking down the street I just smile at passers-by and am always amazed and invigorated by the number of smiles that I get back and even the occasional “Hello, how are you,” shock, horror.  It’s the law of attraction at its best… let the world know what you want, act, believe and it shall be yours.

I had my kids play a game with me on the school run a few days ago. Before we left the house, I announced that I wanted to see red cars not just any red but a deep (flowerpot from my windowsill) red. Less than five minutes into our walk we saw four cars the exact colour I requested, in close succession. I’ll admit I was not really expecting it to happen for me so soon but when it did it filled me with a joy that I have not felt in a while and even the boys were in near hysteria and I was the cool ninja magician mum, for the minute, until I went into my lecture about the law of attraction and how anything we want we can have if we just believe – not sure how much of this was absorbed but they did ask if we could play on the way home, I of course agreed but told them to both think of car colours that they do not often see and set their intention of wanting to see that colour ready for 3.30.

Home time. No hellos, just colours shouted at me. “Purple!” “Yellow!” Game on! This time the universe was having fun with us purple umbrella, coat, buggy, lower half of a bus. Nothing yellow though and homeboy was chanting “yellow, come on yellow, yellow!” Then I remembered you must set your intentions/goals and let them go, believing that they will happen. So, I change the topic and sure enough, a couple of minutes later we see our first purple car! After some time in a shop we step out and parked right there on a side road is the most beautiful never-before-seen or noticed shade of purple car. We all burst out laughing to the amusement and bewilderment of fellow shoppers. Mr Yellow is not impressed for long, I can tell he is thinking about his delayed order so I send out a mother’s secret plea to the universe, “please come through so this child can understand how wonderful life is.”  Order placed we began playing our usual word association game after a few totally made up words TWO rare YELLOW “black” cabs drove past! This time we were jumping with glee.

We are sorcerers who can conjure up anything we want.

I encourage you to play and smile your way to a happier you.

© 2017